An Extra Pair of Hands: A story of caring and everyday acts of love

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This is a story about the gentle heroism of our carers, about small everyday acts of tenderness, and finding joy in times of crisis. It’s about juggling priorities, mindnumbing repetition, about guilt and powerlessness, about grief, and the solace of nature when we’re exhausted or at a loss. It is also about celebrating older people, about learning to live differently – and think differently about ageing. Here, Kate Mosse tells her own personal story of finding herself a carer in middle age: first, helping her heroic mother care for her beloved father through Parkinsons, then supporting her mother in widowhood, and finally as ‘an extra pair of hands’ for her 90- year-old mother-in-law. In An Extra Pair of Hands Kate Mosse explored what it is like to become a carer for those who has once cared for you. Having gone through this myself recently I say it is the moment you become an actual adult. You may have a mortgage, a car, be married and even have kids of your own but when your parents become your responsibility the whole axis of your world goes of kilter. And it is terrifying. Mosse’s parents and mother-in-law all moved to live with her and her husband in their Chichester home when they reached old age. Her father had Parkinson’s and died in 2011, her mother survived him by a few years, and Granny Rosie is still going reasonably strong at the age of 90. This is a compact and relatable account of a daughter’s experiences of caregiving and grief, especially with the recent added complication of a pandemic. I have read a few Kate Mosse books, loved her Languadoc Trilogy so when I saw that she had released a non fiction book, I won’t lie to you, I was intrigued. Especially when I saw its association with the Wellcome Collection. I have to say, I wasn’t disappointed.

Caroline Branney, who manages our Dementia Knowledge Centre, says, ‘Mosse tells an absorbing story about her family, in particular the older generation. She mentions three Rs – routine, repetition and regularity. But even so, she often felt she was falling short much of the time. This is intertwined with thoughts about ageing, caring and an account of life during the pandemic.’ Kate argues that too often the needs of carers are overlooked and she produces evidence to show that the responsibility for caring falls overwhelmingly on women, leading her to conclude, ‘Care is a feminist issue.’ She is honest enough to admit that she is in a more fortunate position than most carers, including having an occupation that she can do from home. I think the book was especially good at communicating the many facets of being a carer – the emotional, physical, social and financial aspects as well as the practical day-to-day responsibilities. A deeply moving story of what it means to care for those we love by bestselling author Kate Mosse, a celebration of older people and ageing, and of finding joy in the smallest acts of everyday caregiving.But even with Mosse’s advantages “it’s hard”, she bluntly admits, and “often it feels as if there are no good options, only less bad ones”. She notes that the origin of the word care is the old German word chara for “burden of the mind”. On several occasions, she comments on the “numbing” repetitiveness of daily tasks, but perhaps even more painful is the powerlessness entailed in caring for the elderly as you witness their process of loss – of faculties, of freedom and independence – with only limited ability to relieve or ease it. The paradox about carers is that a strong satisfaction lies in “fixing things” – making someone better, cheering them up – but that may not be possible. Mosse admits sadly that “however much you do, it never feels enough.” She became very alert to the slightest sound, especially during the dark hours of the night, when “too many things can go wrong” – when a stumble on the way to the bathroom can lead to a serious fall, when night terrors can take hold, when those with dementia find themselves lost in a world where time no longer exists. Mosse explore this so well in her book looking at the practicalities of looking after a parent, taking control of things you never had to do before but mainly she looks at the emotional side of things both of you as the carer and the parent whose loss of independence and having to rely on others can be hard to accept. Kate Mosse takes us on. her journey of caring for her mother, father and mother-in-law. Anyone who has cared for a family member or friend will be able to relate to her honest account of the conflicting emotions and the challenges that she experienced, but what I loved about this book was that it reminds us that caring is a privilege, and one that will enrich your life and your relationships.

This is a sensitive and perceptive book for carers,’ says Rosalind. ‘The author knows all about the frustrations, traumas and, thankfully, the joys of caring for loved ones. She found herself becoming the main carer for her father, and then in a supportive role for her mother and, later, for her rather feisty mother-in-law.’ Mosse finds it hard to shoehorn her thoughts into the impoverished bureaucratic language used in the “care industry” and complains at being designated a “carer”, with its implication of inequality and the passivity of the dependent. Here, she indignantly insists that her surviving mother-in-law may now be dependent, but is also still very much her strong-willed, vibrant self. Mosse refers to herself deprecatingly as an “extra pair of hands” even if she is now “full-time”. The book’s title speaks to the importance of tact in protecting dignity and respect, and Mosse describes admiringly how her mother cared for her father when he had Parkinson’s. “She never spoke for him, never took over unless he wanted her help, never let the things he could no longer do become more important than the things he could do.” She questions how and why we fetishise independence when the reality of human experience is always interdependence. Here is a book that sees, in this, a cause for celebration. I am a Big fan of Kate Mosse and I have read all her books. Every book of Kate's are just remarkable and this latest book "An Extra Pair of Hands" was a book from the heart especially as this book is about Kate's own personal story finding herself as a carer in middle age: firstly helping her heroic mother care for her beloved father through Parkinson's, then supporting her mother in widowhood, and finally as 'an extra pair of hands' for her 90-year-old mother-in-law.As our population ages, more and more of us find ourselves caring for parents and loved ones – some 8.8 million people in the UK. An invisible army of carers holding families together. This book just took my breath away and shows so much love and care towards Kate's family and so much courage one family can have. A carer is a very special person in so many ways and I cared for my father in Law for many years until the end of life....So a big Hug to you Kate and family, this book is an inspiration for us all out there. As Kate Mosse points out in the opening chapter of the book, An Extra Pair of Hands is not a ‘how to’ book but a tribute to three ‘extraordinary’ people – her father, her mother and her mother-in-law – and her own reflections on becoming a carer, the ‘extra pair of hands’ of the book’s title. Caroline says, ‘Mosse discusses the concept of the term “carer” and how it compares to “being caring” in the normal run of things. I can see how this could serve as a great introduction for someone who hasn’t previously read much about bereavement, caregiving or old age, and I imagine it will especially appeal to existing fans of Mosse’s writing. I've read so much around these topics, including most of the works in the bibliography, that the book did not offer me anything new, though it was a perfectly pleasant read.

As an epigram to the book, Mosse quotes Adrienne Rich: “Freedom is daily, prose-bound, routine remembering.” Throughout the book she weaves in family history; stories of her childhood in West Sussex, the marriage of her parents and the wonderful character of her mother-in-law who took an entertainment troupe round local care homes to regale residents with music and song. Thus Mosse portrays the riches of reciprocal relations of care between one generation and the next, and is a helpful corrective to the negativity that sometimes burdens the subject.It was never an issue about care. We knew, as a family, that Mum would be at home and that we could look after her. We have amazing support from our local Hospice, from the Community team and from the carers that come in every day to help, but in the main, it's down to my Dad. He's 76 and Mum is 80.